had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
