his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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