Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
