Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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