I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize