My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
