Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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