I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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