You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize