Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
