have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
