After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
