i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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