Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
