Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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