I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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