I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
