My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
