why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
