i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
