I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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