I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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