I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
