So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
