I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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