So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
