I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
