i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
