Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
