It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
