True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm at about main and main street
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
