Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
