No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
