I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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