3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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