I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
