Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
