i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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