if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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