Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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