So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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