if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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