Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
