i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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