I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
