She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
