My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
