i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize