I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
