And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
