Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
