I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
