I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
