Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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