I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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