The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
