she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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