i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize