You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
