you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
