if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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